From the lesser known Uncyclopedia comes a how-to guide on how to be a liberal. Here are some highlights:
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WARNING at least 10-12 % of what is written in this article is considered to be false. If you're allergic to the truth (if you’re an American Liberal in other words) and are also allergic to Wikipedia-style citations and references with links to the awful truth, DO NOT READ THIS ARTICLE! Uncyclopedia and the authors of this article cannot be held responsible for any damage, injury or liberal sissy fits and anal bleeding this article may cause. Classic Liberals and Liberals outside of the USA may not understand this or get all of the jokes, American Liberals are Neo-Liberals who practice Liberal Fascism [1] aka Communism and only pretend to be real Liberals.
This is an ever changing guide to how to be a liberal. It is often deleted by liberals and recreated at least twice a month, please see censorship for the reason why. Never the same page twice. Many have asked the question of just how does one become a liberal? This how-to guide will show you how.
How does one become a liberal, or rather how did liberalism come about? Around 3120 BC Liberalism was invented by Alfred Dinklelberry who had decided to use his whining and crying skills for monetary gain. He found that if he challenged governments by hating them, calling their leaders names, and protesting, and he wrote books, people would buy them. He later found that he could lead others in protests where they simply chant the same slogan over and over again until they get their way. He also found that by playing the blame game that he could blame others for his failures and get himself elected to government. The motto is Blame somebody else, which always works for liberals. Then if he just took up causes he did not believe in like environmentalism, peace, socialism, and so on, he could trick people into supporting him.
Together We Can: Raise Taxes
American Liberals are all about spreading the wealth and anti-corporation though many work for or take lobbyist money from mega-corporations anyway. It is also a well-known fact that most Liberals are bong-sniffing hippies. Liberals are most likely yuppies who dread about working hard, but will never give a dollar to the homeless man in front of their office buildings. Are those really liberals? They may whine about income inequality until our ears bleed, but the homeless man just sits there and would love to have their prestigious jobs. Well that homeless man is not a true liberal or else he'd have sold his soul to Moloch like the other liberals in exchange for wealth, fame, a good career, or at least win the lottery, or make a fortune in the stock market, or marry a rich woman.
Our corruption does not count!
Remember that the public has a short-memory, so if you accuse Conservatives of doing something, the public will forget that your party did it last year, or a decade ago, or up to fifty years ago. You are not a hypocrite if the public forgets your misdeeds and your accuse Conservatives of the same misdeeds. Remember that Liberal corruption does not count, but Conservative or Neocon corruption counts plus eleven billion times.
Bill Clinton says Iraq has WMDs [7] in 1998 and attacks, George W. Bush says Iraq has WMD in 2003 and attacks.
Bill Clinton takes money [8] from oil companies and the price of oil goes up [9], George W. Bush takes money from oil companies and the price of oil goes up.
Ted Kennedy gets drunk, takes drugs and runs over people with his car afterward. Rush Limbaugh gets drunk, takes drugs and smuggles viagra into international airports.
Bill Clinton has warrantless wiretaps [10] in 2000, and George W. Bush has them after 911.
In fact Barack Obama is doing the very same things George W. Bush did as president like spend a lot of money, keep the Iraqi war going, keep the Patriot Act, warentless wiretaps, etc. Obama can do all of that with a free pass because he is a Liberal and Bush was a Conservative.
Yes we can move automotive jobs to Mexico as part of the stimulus plan. [11]
Yes we can waste the stimulus money on pork projects renamed to something else. [12]
Yes we can support Warentless Wiretaps. [13]
Yes we can support the Patriot Act and keep it going. [14]
Yes we can delay the withdrawal of troops from Iraq even if Obama promised not to do so. [15]
Yes we can raise taxes to pay for healthcare. [16]
Yes we can destroy 2.2 Normal jobs to create 1 Green Job. [17]
Talk the talk
Learn the dialectic [21] and become a Liberal, through liberal-speak! Often confused with Ebonics or Jive.
Think Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, or anyone else that tends to use words with excess syllables. Practice aloud--I say, "How are you?"--you say, "Extra-orda-nin-tat-ious!" Or, I say, "How do you feel about mandatory affirmative action minority interviewing requirements?"--you say, "Abso-ma-lutely, affirmable, as an accidental alibi fortituously found by the hooker behind the crackpipe!"
Presentation and panache is what you are seeking my liberal sheep of many colors.
Furthermore, you must take all efforts to avoid being tied down to a singular position. Life is multi-faceted, so every issue may have new considerations, so you must be able to explain why, for example, it is permissible to cheat on one's wife, but then run a negative campaign (the next term) exposing one's opponent for marital infidelity.
When perfected, you can be constantly inconsistent like the Democratic Party, not inconsistently inconsistent like John Kerry. This constant inconsistency, called "liberal flip-flopping", may allow your party to win the Presidential election! (Listen to this one, liberals, and win in 2008!)
Hillary Clinton demonstrates liberal-speak:
Sabotage the Nation
Tip
Always blame conservatives, always.
Use the filibuster as much as you can when the other party has a majority [23]. If they try to pass a bill you agree with like alternative energy, filibuster it and vote against it. Then when election comes up later, claim the other party did nothing to help the people. When the other party claims that you voted against every bill on the table, say that you could not compromise the environment, freedoms, liberty, ect. and ignore that lobbyists were putting money in your pockets to kill the bill. Always blame the Republicans for your own misdeeds. After all, one liberal made the claim "And so when I filibustered 14 hours and 13 minutes in 1964 I never got off the germaneness of the subject.", since the US Taxpayers are paying your salary, might as well waste their time and hold up progress. Read from a phone book, quote the complete works of Shakespeare, talk about pot or liquor, anything not relating to the bill in question that you are trying to filibuster. When it comes to war, always do the exact opposite of what conservatives want.
Popular bills that liberals have voted down:
- Social Security reform
- Health care reform
- Removal of eminent domains laws
- Tax breaks
- Bills to cut spending and create a budget surplus
- Bills to drill more oil wells and lower the cost of oil
- Bills to fund the US military so soldiers can be paid, also provide education and medical care for veterans of foreign wars
If the above fails, you may also try to say that the other person is a racist, rich conservative who wants more tax cuts and less regulation. Pork Projects liberals have added to bills:
- Paving highways in wealthy cities
- Studies of cow farts
- Study of the study of the study of political polls conducted by third parties they have paid off
- Federal contracts they get kickbacks from
- Funding for sports stadiums
Or you can vote Republican, hope they screw it up, and win all the popular vote for the 2008 election.
There is so much more in this guide than can be copied and pasted here. I encourage you to have a look for yourself, unless you are squeamish. If you know someone that is on the verge of liberalism, print it out in a handy guide form & orchestrate an intervention with your conservative, free-thinking friends. You might also want to start your own foundation that researches this deadly disease we call liberalism. Many have succumbed to it - in fact a little more than half of the nation or 50.4% according to last election's numbers. It afflicts millions and is a silent killer - many suffer in silence and are scared to admit that they have the disease. It is a cancer that medical science has yet to tackle but whose source can easily be traced and eradicated if we're serious: the MSM. Won't you help today by distributing these disturbing facts to your friends, neighbors, & family? The life you save could be the next President of the United States...but more than likely will just be some whino pan-handling in downtown Detroit.
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